Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
