just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
