I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
