Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
