sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
