i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
