when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
