How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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