Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
