if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
