I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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