Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
