Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
