it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
