Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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