Your face is a jimmy john
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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