I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
