i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
you had me at cake vodka
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
3 2 1 whiskey
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
