By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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