I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
