We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Randomize
