Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize