a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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