Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
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