Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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