I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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