I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
