Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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