its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
