I CAN MOONWALK!
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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