I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
