We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
