umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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