birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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