I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
