dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
