I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
