I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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