Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
