do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
