If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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