Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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