I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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