I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
