i can't believe i had my finger in that
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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