Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
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