Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
