I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
