I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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