so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
