I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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