you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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