see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Randomize
