my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize