so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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