The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
