I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
