You're my little dorito
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
