I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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