Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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