Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
