I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
